Memories like bullets

Shake down

2010-01-20T18:05:00.002+08:00

Everyday, a different person.

As the spiders trickle down the walls over the hallowed vessel of my thoughts, the shadows creep over and haunt all the promises and virgin hopes created to be defiled. Why then, do we try? When then, will truth seep through the masks and be met in turn by a kindred ray of light and hope? The cracks individualise the scars of a soul and as they fester throughout this mask, i'm afraid to be left unwhole. Naked to the whims of judgement, fighting for the person i am. But a hopeless fight it is, to fight for a lost cause. For what i am i always will be, but what i think, i'm always not.

Each moment a new face, to each face a new voice. Waltzing round and round the circle of lies, waiting for the light to see through my guise. And awakened then, i would be- as free as the air to simply be. But as the chips fall to the floor, the face lies cloaked and masked no more.

Re-loving

2009-12-31T00:01:00.002+08:00

Finding new meaning in daily norms. Tell me this isn't beautiful.

If time can break us down...

2009-12-28T04:35:00.004+08:00

No sleep, no sleep until i'm done with finding the answer

Won't stop, won't stop before i find a cure for this cancer

Sometimes

I feel i'm going down and so disconnected

Somehow

I know that i am haunted to be wanted

I've been watching

I've been waiting

In the shadows of my time

I've been searching

I've been living

For tomorrows all my life

In the shadows

They say that i must learn to kill before i can feel safe

But i, i'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave

Sometimes

I feel i should go and play with the founder

Somehow

I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

Lately

I've been

Walking

Walking in circles

Watching

Waiting for something

Feel me

Touch me

Heal me

Come take me higher

***

You hide it every time you miss

Impatience waits around for me

You dance under the question mark

Without even trying!

I'm just not sure it's gonna work

The killer's walking amongst us

Look around, you'll find their ashes

You cradle over your mistakes

And every heart you'll ever break

You stumble through questions that you can never answer,

the barrel is loaded

SO GO AND PAINT YOUR TARGET

So and again you stand around with beautiful falls

Moon River

2009-12-26T21:17:00.004+08:00

Moon River, wider than a mile,

I'm crossing you in style someday,

Oh dream maker, you heart breaker,

Wherever you're going, i'm going your way

Two drifters off to see the world,

There's such a lot of world to see,

We're after the same rainbow's end,

And waiting round the bend,

My huckleberry friend, Moon River,

And me

As you can see, i've just watched Breakfast at Tiffany's. Audrey Hepburn is really pretty! As in beautiful, as is the music. I'm pretty slow i know, but better late than never, eh? I know i haven't too much time left but i want to watch all these movies that people have loved. Surely we can't allow all these great movies to die out simply due to our unwillingness to watch bad film quality or a movie without CGI. So, i'm making a list of Classics :)

A Clockwork Orange

Citizen Kane

It's a Wonderful Life

The Count of Monte Cristo

Charades

Forrest Gump

My Fair Lady

Dances With Wolves

The Best Years of Our Lives

Purple for the ones i'm really looking forward to. I've recently done The Breakfast Club too. If i'm missing out on something, please do tell.

**I suggest you read the next part only if you've watched the movie/ read the book before or have no such intentions.

'Holly, I'm in love with you'

'So what?'

'So what? So plenty! I love you, you belong to me!'

'No. People don't belong to people.'

'Of course they do!'

'I'm not going to let anyone put me in a cage'

'I don't want to put you in a cage i want to love you'

'It's the same thing!'

'No it's not. Holly-'

'I'm not Holly, I'm not Lou LeMay either! I don't know who i am, like my cat here! We're a couple of nameless slobs- we belong to nobody and nobody belongs to us, we don't even belong to each other.'

'You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say 'Okay, life's a fact'. People do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness. You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing and you're terrified someone's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage, you built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because wherever you run, you just end up running into yourself.'

This is me pretending

2009-12-12T18:23:00.002+08:00

This is all a dream.

To the snow-covered trees that illuminate the paths. I'll be back come Christmas :)

La La Lie

2009-12-05T03:49:00.015+08:00

This is me, awake at 4:30. I'm on my night high...

I like bagpipes. The first time i saw it i was watching a band competition where i think t'was St John's with bagpipes. Random Geek Fact #1: I played the Trumpet in grade school! I played the horn, too. But i won't post the picture up cause trumpets just look better

Yes, that's The Glass Passenger

When i'm older, i want to get a gramophone. I'll collect vinyls. This'll set me back around a thousand MYR, but i'm afraid that in the future it will become even more expensive.

& there, i shall have a grand piano

& o'er the threshold, will be my Husky.

Note: Not my husky nor my hands.

& i shall have my Playstation VII.

Artist's impression. Clearly he is very bored.

I'll have a bed bigger than i'll ever need. Save for *cough* real special occasions.

& a personal library full of books!

Life will be good...

But most importantly...

Guess what? i'm done

Writing you songs

You give up your job at the bank

Proving money's not fun when you're gone

So this is the first verse

It's not very long

But i'm ready to move on

Guess what I'm done

Writing your book

The ending got twisted around

But for all of the hell that it took

The electrical wires

They'll hum in the walls

In the room that I rent now without you

I've got friends who

La La Lie

Will help me pull through

La La Lie

La La La Lie

The spaceman that can't get high

I'm coming back to my girl by July

So guess what i'm done

Drawing your pictures

I'm dulling the day with a drink

In a parking garage by the theatre

We met for a movie

Every scene was a sign

We made out through their meaning

Guess what i'm done

Writing you songs

I'm far too unstable to settle

I doubt that the doctors are wrong

So i'll wait by a palm tree

The song for a long goodbye

I'm coming back to my girl by July

Unencumbered, numbered words

2009-12-04T20:57:00.004+08:00

DISCLAIMER: I am not trying to convert anyone & my arguments do not all necessarily reflect my views, but may be the simple arguments against given points. DO NOT READ unless you are willing to see things from a different point of view and keep an open mind. Do not bother replying unless with factual and evidential as well as non-fallacious answers.

What causes hatred?

Many people seem to live under the notion that without faith, we are not human. Or that without faith, we are less than human, a second class of arrogant, narrow-minded, self-sufficient, ignorant, morally inferior and generally more stupid human beings.

But then, what makes us human?

Many people seem to live under the notion that Theists are ostracized, heavily victimized, cruelly misunderstood, the righteous underdogs, the poor victims of the arrogant and oppressing Atheists.

Enlightenment

Quoted from Chuen's blog:

wh, are u implying that enlightenment is achieved by obeying the moral law?

No, i am not. I believe that you achieve enlightenment by arriving a balance between one's physical and spiritual self. According to Buddhism, there is a Noble Eightfold Path. We read this in Sejarah, guys.

It is believed that only through this can we reach a higher state of existence and achieve Nirvana.

The problem is, you won't necessarily achieve Enlightenment through this. Rather i think that the Noble Eightfold Path will come naturally as we approach Enlightenment in our own way. This would answer Jc's question. I believe that we achieve a moral law in the pursuit of Enlightenment, though it exists in each person regardless.

+1 to Xyun's comments there. I knew i liked that girl for a reason :P

Moral with Atheism & Theism

jsh: the moral law i think is beyond empathy. imagine someone quarreling, they dont talk about how they feel about each other but more of they expect a certain Standard out of human beings.

That doesn't really have much to do with moral laws, does it? Do you mean that moral laws and empathy are separate? If so, I disagree. I think that Moral Laws are a result of many Human psychological practices, one of which is Empathy. People DO argue about how they feel about each other, but you really have to define your Moral Law if you want to use it as a point. Till then, all discussions regarding Moral Laws are moot.

jsh: i dont think that we act out of fear of the lord. i think born within us. we have this law within us. and we expect others to have the same. like "first come first serve"

I think it is an illogical expectation that is at the root of Man's evil. The expectation for others to be the same as us. We shun those who are different. Homosexuals, Women, Blacks, Those of Different Beliefs, Those of different Moral standards, Those of different Levels of Intelligence. I cannot possibly respect anything that encourages such discrimination.

I think we all can agree that we are not all born with the same Moral compasses. We do not innately know that stealing is even stealing as the idea of 'Property' is one that only Mankind and proud animals have. What does the differences in our Natural Moral compasses tell you? I don't think that Man is born a moral creature. By experience, we realise that stealing hurts others. Some of us feel empathetic and our moral compass develops further. Some of us get a real kick out it.

jsh: of course the fear of the lord comes in when u see around us the power of nature. usually when i look at nature. i cant imagine that it all came about outta nothing so perfectly.

And yet it had to come out of something. Creationism is where many fallacies sprout in religion. Why should we fear the Lord? Is he a tyrant? Of course not. Would he unjustly punish us? Ah, now here we teeter over the semantics of what is 'just'. Why don't we strive to be like God instead of just revering Him? Wouldn't that ultimately lead to a better world? It seems to me that a loving God would not require respect, love or even acknowledgement to continue loving his children.

It is logically inaccurate to deduce that God exists because something as complex beautiful and mathematically perfect as Nature exists. Then you would have to say that something as complex & perfect as God exists because something else created God. Why is it that God can come into existence by itself and Nature cannot?

Just because you can't imagine something, doesn't mean it's not true. After all, this is a favourite argument in support of Theism. It applies to Atheism as well.

Think about it:

What good things would a Theist do that an Atheist wouldn't?

What bad thing would a Theist do that an Atheist wouldn't?

jsh: as to where i am going? i dont know, lol. but saying god law operates on fear of the afterlife and divine punishment. is not very accurate.

To separate Divine punishment from God is contradictory to the Christian religion. How is it right that many people are selective towards the part of religion that is most convenient?

I like what one of the Priests of somewhere i forgot said:

Reporter: "Surely you cannot believe that there were talking animals and Noah took aboard two of every species of animals on Earth. There are hundreds and thousands of known species, many more back then that weren't extinct that couldn't possibly fit in the Ark whose dimensions we know?"

Priest: "I believe in the Bible wholeheartedly. That's what is written there and i believe in it."

Now, that guy was not arrogant. I disagree with his beliefs, but i respect him as he seems to be a true practitioner of Christianity. He doesn't try to prove his point with fallacies. He just practices his belief without a sense of superiority. Something i can't say about many others i've seen.

jsh: i think god operates on my previous point in which we are so amazed about the wonders of life. and that he has blessed us with so much. rain wind water food

Alright. Here i'm going to bring up points that many will not find pleasing. How are you so sure that God provided us with the 'wonders of life'? I'm not even going to bring up the fallacies here.

Okay, the question is, What makes your Christian God more right than any other God? It blatantly calls others 'False idols', as though somehow it is different from the rest. What about Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism.......? If you want people to believe in Christianity, I understand. But you cannot call the other religions/ beliefs false and not expect a reaction.

Think about it, Christianity claims to be the truth. So do other religions. Christianity is no better nor more valid & true than Islam, Buddhism, Zoroastrianism, Hinduism or even Animism.

So then, if choosing the wrong one leads to eternal damnation, and all of them are equally attractive and evidential, then choosing the right one is a matter of luck. And with a little bad luck, you are eternally damned, according to Christianity.

No one religion is more righteous than another.

Bertrand Russell is mocked in a video with his own quotes. How i wish i could mock the mocker with his own quotes too, but on the topic:

Atheism encourages the foundation of Unyielding Despair...?

People see atheism as the opposition of theism, due to the name. But as a matter of two different ideas, theism could be said to be the opposition of atheism. So don't go victimizing yourself, Theists.

Now on the matter that atheism is the foundation of unyielding despair is a matter of perception. Atheists generally do not live in depression. Honestly, it is not easy to become an atheist. To become and atheist, one has to accept that his life probably starts and ends solely in the physical world. I generally respect any atheist because he/she has come into an acceptance with that. The conversion into atheism is one that requires a lot of reflection and critical thought, whether or not their philosophy is right.

Certain people blame the high suicide rates on depressed atheists as their lack of faith takes away their meaning in life. Let me just say that 'You don't need faith to find a meaning in life.'

Their inaccurate is assessment is completely unfounded with no statistical backing nor logical backing other than that the said people are incapable of finding their own meaning in life outside of faith. The poor people who say things like that are grasping at straws.

You want statistics? I'll give you statistics.

Lithuania ranks #1 among all countries for suicide rates with 68.1 Males and 12.9 females per 100,000 citizens per year. 79% of Lithuanians belong to the Roman Catholic Church.

Source: World Health Organization. Accurate as of 2008.

Now, you'll probably think that i'm being biased towards atheism right now. The truth is, i am an agnostic theist. Though you can probably tell that i largely disagree with many religious practices. The reason i support atheism is because i've yet to hear one of them say "Your God does not exist." That would be arrogant and fallacious, too. However, all too often do i hear theists say ALL AROUND ME:" Your beliefs are wrong."

Now, the one thing this discussion is lacking is a specific Topic. So well, this post is just a general inquiry regarding the public's views on Atheism & Theism.

Einstein vs Professor

Finally, you all remember that argument between Einstein & his professor? I found many significant flaws in Einstein's argument and was at disbelief that Einstein's logic was so flawed. Guess what? It never occurred. Just some hoodlums abusing Einstein's name with their immature thoughts. If ya'll want me to show my points rebuking theirs, i might post it up some time...

This one's actually from Einstein:

An abridgement of the letter from Albert Einstein to Eric Gutkind from Princeton in January 1954, translated from German by Joan Stambaugh.

... I read a great deal in the last days of your book, and thank you very much for sending it to me. What especially struck me about it was this. With regard to the factual attitude to life and to the human community we have a great deal in common.

... The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.These subtilised interpretations are highly manifold according to their nature and have almost nothing to do with the original text. For me the Jewish religion like all other religions is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people. As far as my experience goes, they are also no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything 'chosen' about them.

In general I find it painful that you claim a privileged position and try to defend it by two walls of pride, an external one as a man and an internal one as a Jew. As a man you claim, so to speak, a dispensation from causality otherwise accepted, as a Jew the priviliege of monotheism. But a limited causality is no longer a causality at all, as our wonderful Spinoza recognized with all incision, probably as the first one. And the animistic interpretations of the religions of nature are in principle not annulled by monopolisation. With such walls we can only attain a certain self-deception, but our moral efforts are not furthered by them. On the contrary.

Now that I have quite openly stated our differences in intellectual convictions it is still clear to me that we are quite close to each other in essential things, ie in our evalutations of human behaviour. What separates us are only intellectual 'props' and 'rationalisation' in Freud's language. Therefore I think that we would understand each other quite well if we talked about concrete things. With friendly thanks and best wishes

Yours, A. Einstein

**End of excerpt**

Peace!

As he faced the Sun...

2009-11-29T16:36:00.009+08:00

...he cast no shadow.

Time only passes once. Each planck's constant of time will only ever present itself once in the entire course of cosmic history. Hundreds of thousands of them just passed as i write this sentence. I'm too lazy to do the math, but think about it. How much time spent memorizing moral nilais that will never come back? How many of us have complained and ranted about the pointlessness of our high-school lives, particularly the academic aspects so mandatorily imposed upon us to no avail?

Every time i look into the mirror,

All these lines on my face getting clearer

The past is gone

It went by like dust to dawn

Isn't that the way

Everybody's got their dues in life to pay?

All our hopes and dreams, creativity so mercilessly mutilated by people we never chose who control the course of the first 12-18 years of our lives. That's about a quarter of our lives, wasted learning things and building foundations and the cores of our being, but not of our own choice. How many of us have been given the opportunity to chase our dreams, live as free as they could, unbounded by the norms of the majority of the world who've decided that we need money to survive? Is this what has become of our world in an attempt to maintain balance and justice?

Half my life

Is in books' written pages

Lived and learned from fools

& from sages

You know it's true

All the things come back to you

What happened to the pursuit of happiness as a life goal as opposed to the animalistic instinct to reproduce through attraction through success? As we trudge forward technologically, our philosophical and spiritual minds rot and decay into the meaningless limbo between life and death. (And by spirituality i do not mean religion) The 20th century has brought forth raping of our sanity, save for the minority who strive to preserve the sacredness of the Human mind, like Michio Kaku, Stephen Hawkings etc. But a prime example of how far back Man has fallen from their balanced exponential technological & spiritual growth in the Renaissance can be seen from the prestigious Time's 100 Most Influential People of the Year, where in 2008, Stephenie Meyer ranked #49 while intellectuals like Michio Kaku did not make the cut. I feel truly ashamed for my fellow humans.

But well, since high school is coming to and end, i lack the time nor drive to enter a full-scale rant. This comic shall suffice :) Please click to enlarge.

Coloured yellow for your convenience, cause i want everyone to read this. ;)

Where do i go from here? Why do i have to always follow these shadows? One day, i'll either thank you for shoving me in the right direction or blame you for ruining my life. I hope you can bear the pressure. The same way, i don't know if i should hate you or thank you for showing me the nature of Man to be selfish, biased and hypocritical.

P.S, Dear reader : I suppose you don't get sarcasm, huh?

Sing with me,

Sing for the year,

Sing for the laughter,

Sing for the tears,

Sing with me,

If it's just for today,

Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away

Dream on, dream on, dream on

Dream until your dreams come true

Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream on, Dream on, Dream on, Dream On, Dream On

'As they took his soul they stole his pride'

Painted in my memories

2009-11-20T00:28:00.004+08:00

"If it rains on my parade, i'll just sing in it."

Have you wondered why nursery rhymes are so brutal?

I am tired. Sometimes, i just don't see how people can be so convicted about things they don't understand. Everyone is selfish. Everyone only wants to blame everyone else. I guess i was wrong. I guess you're no different. I think i'm tired of pretending. I'm ready for it. Come on, bring it.

Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

And down will come baby, cradle and all

(That's nice. Sing that to your baby to put her to sleep :) )

Jack & Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down & broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after

(based on the beheading of King Louis XVI and his wife who well, came tumbling after)

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

And all of the king's horses and all the king's men

Had omelette for dinner that night again

( i know there are variations. But he dies anyway )

Georgie Porgie, puddings and pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry

And when the boys came out to play

Georgie Porgie ran away

( i always wondered about the innate need to ostracise and sexually harass.)

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep

And doesn't know where to find them

Leave them alone & they'll come home

Bringing their tails behind them

Little Bo Peep fell fast asleep

And dreamt she heard them bleating

But when she awoke, she found it a joke,

For they were all still fleeting

Then sup she took her little crook

Determined for to find them

She found them indeed, but it made her heart bleed

For they left their tails behind them

It happened one day, as Bo Peep did stray

Into a meadow hard dry

There she espied their tails side by side

All hung on a try to dry

She heaved a sigh, and wiped her eye,

And over the hillocks went rambling

And tried what she could

As a sheperdess should

To tack again each to its lambkin.

(When a kid finally understands this poem, she'll never see Toy Story the same way again)

Ring a ring o' rosies

A pocket full of posies

"Atishoo! Atishoo!"

We all fall down!

( Symptoms of the bubonic plague: red rashes and violent sneezing. Death rate 60%)

I wonder, what to people try to achieve by subjecting their children to this? They're likely too young to understand and the parents hardly ever bother explaining them anyway.

'A scar away from falling apart'

Cause all of the stars have faded away...

2009-11-05T17:30:00.004+08:00

Willpower. It seems to be the main thing that keeps us from reaching our goals. The will power to push your body further by that one pull-up and reach that number 15. The will power to abstain from junk food. The will power to suck it up and finish that 10km without breaking into a walk. The will power to sit yourself down and think about the consequences of your actions.

I don't mind where you come from

As long as you come to me

But i don't like illusions

I can't see them clearly

It seems we all know what we want and often, we know how to get there. But just how badly? Schnauzy has no such will power. Her will is only to eat our food and get away with it. She occasionally does.

I don't care no i wouldnt dare

To fix the twist in you

You've shown me what eventually

You'll do

A few days ago, i summoned the willpower to manually curb caving in. I disconnected my computer and handed the power cable to my sister. In the following days, i achieved more than i had over the past few weeks. & then Clarence returned me my external with 3 episodes of supernatural inside. Along with grace's 5 seasons of House and hong's 6th and 2 new albums (dude, i can't find breaking benjamin's latest) Then Clarence's all: "You HAVE to watch it! Just watch it today, 2 hours while you're eating!! Take back the cable!"

And then the guys go "Ehh ehhh!! Tonight at 10 ahhh!! Nono, come earlier at 8 or......You disconnected your computer!? Go take back lah! It's the last game before SPM, everyone'll be playing."

*Now i've tried it, & i still don't really get why people colour peoples' names*

I don't mind

I don't care

As long as you're here

As is evident to my typing this, i caved to peer pressure ( Yes, you fags. you're all pressuring peers. ). I reached home at 2 & have currently achieved nothing. But i guess i can only blame myself for caving. Hopefully, just maybe, you won't see me posting anymore for another 33 days. And then after that i'll get revenge you Prom-goers with posts & pics from London & Paris >=P It's sad, really. I think prom is an integral pubescent experience none of us should be forced into missing. Plus, i'll be exhausted come college. But then the last time i was there was when i was like 4 & too young to remember much. I vaguely remember chasing after the Batmobile in Disneyland Paris to shake Batman's hand, and looking down from the Eiffel tower and being terrified. All i remember of London are brick roads and terrible Mac & Cheese. *puts on accent*: Just not my cuppa' tea. Might as well make the best of it this time, i guess.

Hours slide and days go by till you decide to call

& in between it always seems too long & sudden

But i have the skill, yeah i have the will

To breathe you in while i can

However long you stay is all that i am

Oh, & i could swear that i found out the theory of relativity for size, motion and time independently!! There's no point bragging i guess, i've got a full century on Einstein & i only have a half-formed theory and a thought experiment similar to Einstein's train one only mine involves the LRT. Damn that smart bastard and his completed Theory of Relativity & energy-mass formula & his time being a 4th dimension which accounts for time and spacial dilation when approaching the speed of light and the superstring theory and the theory of infinite mass...too much to list. That bastard.

On a more slacker/geek note, Supernatural is teh awesome!!! Antichrist FTW! (Judge not the last statement unless thy eyes hath experienced the awesome-ness that is S05E06)

Wrong or right

Black or white

If i close my eyes

It's all the same

In my life

The compromise

I'll close my eyes

It's all the same

Go ahead say it, you're leaving

You'll just come back running

Holding your scarred heart in hand

It's all the same

-Sick Puppies

"They never show you the end of fairy tales for a reason."

Give me something to believe in

2009-10-27T01:42:00.007+08:00

It's the middle of the night and i'm famished. It's the worst kind of hunger when you're torn between your bed and the kitchen. Fortunately for me, i'm not in bed and i've got Digestive biscuits in my room. I told myself i would sleep right at 1. Sleeping doesn't work so well for me. Warning: This is a pointless i just want to type post.

The Not-So-Subtle:

She's not the kind of girl you hear about

She'll never want another

She'll never be without

She'll give you all the signs

She'll tell you everything

Then turn around and walk away

Carry me to the shoreline

Bury me in the sand

Walk me across the water

& maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under

Is lifted off your shoulders

Once the cloud that's raining

Over your head disappears

The noise that you hear

Is the crashing down of Hollow Years

I wonder how people put those videos.

I would've posted Hammers & Strings and Swim, too, but it looks pathetic as a little link.

For Swim, you can just head over to ky's blog.

That is why Grace & i want to catch them live. I say this without the slightest bit of dramatizing:

My life isn't complete till i've watched Jack's Mannequin perform live

Then again,it'll never be complete cause i won't be able to see them play Konstantine live either.

Yeah, i know these phrases (this song) have come up in the last posts. But i guess that just reflects were i'm at right now. Alternatively for those macho boys who are too insecure to allow themselves to relate to anything other than metal, read the last sentence as Bite Me (you know who you are).

The Rhythm of Vascular Beats:

She says, Andy i know we don't talk as much

But i still hear your ghost in these old punk rock clubs

Come on write me a song

Give me something to trust

Just promise you won't let it be just the keys that you touched

And my friend calls me up with a heart heavy still

She said, Andy the doctors prescribed me a pill

But i know i'm not crazy

I just lost my will

So why am i, why am i

Taking them still?

I need something to believe in

So write it down i don't think that i'll close my eyes

Cause lately i'm not dreaming

So what's the point in sleeping

It's just that at night i've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless this is my reply

I will write you a lullaby

'I'm just waiting for the juice to kick in'

I always catch the clock it's...

2009-10-23T22:50:00.008+08:00

You still don't want to talk

Regarding the last post: Someone told me to chill, & i realize i've probably been horribly misunderstood. The part where i go on about the old hag i wanna see get hit by a truck is only a whimsical ( though i really probably wouldn't mind [ I take that back { Not out of want, though. I'm trying to change. }] ) manifestation of my bittterness at the hag for getting me suspended some time ago. Hope that clears things up a little.

Staring into the intersection she thinks that she can fly

& she might

My internet hasn't been working very well. I think it's because my 2 sisters have got laptops now and are enjoying wi-fi. My ping of 16-20 has jumped up to 60-1999. Averaging around 350. I have to constantly 'repair' my connection just to go to the next page. My download speeds dropped from 150kb/s to my internet spontaneously dying when i click 'Download'. What else can i do to reduce this? My theory is that since we're basically running off the same connection, they're leeching off it like that fat paleo-leech in Land of the Lost. Result is i don't know how many times i'll have to click publish post for this to come out. Damn those wireless-es.

The moon is shining now & shadows are what's left

Of all the noise;

Simple silhouettes and cut-outs

As if we had the choice

I'm feeling bored with life. Apathy, oh apathy go piss off. Speaking of being careful of implications you can look up fmylife.com and read about this dude who told his brother to piss off. And the brother pissed onto his lap. Haha, yeah, i'm a sado who reads fmylife.com cause i'm THAT lifeless. FML.

But seriously, sometimes you don't know what you want anymore. Maybe the fun in life is desire. So it's not always happy fun. Kind of like a marathon. Not so much fun as you're running it but when you're done you're a smiling git. Either that or a wheezing/unconscious git. But really, what does one do when he wants top internet speeds while sharing with 2 sisters? I can't even go out except for school and i haven't gone out in like a month. And i probably won't be going out for another 46 days. I wonder if this is how it feels like to be a kengyee :/ No offence.

What does it take to be superhero?

In my world, make no mistake

These villains always get the girl

& we'd escape then we'd skate away

From all of this

But no one ever does

-Something Corporate

I shall click 'Publish Post' now simply cause it's 11:11. But by the time i succeed who knows what time it'll be. Fingers crossed.

EDIT: Something's horribly wrong with my time thingy. Successfully posted at around 11:21. Given, i gave up refreshing for a while halfway through.

那女孩對我說

2009-10-22T23:40:00.009+08:00

What is it about the sky?

I like thinking about the past and how things used to be so simple. Because really, nothing much has changed except for our states of mind. Arguably, we cannot go revert to a previous state of mind except maybe with amnesia or Alzheimer's. Other than that, our minds are akin to the taut laws of time. Self-aware and memory-bound, our minds expand linearly and dualistically disintegrate at the end of our lives. (Don't bring theistic arguments here please, to Hell with Pascal's wager. It's not the safest bet and is actually significantly flawed.) How do i strike that out? Oh well. Sometimes i think that i resemble an aged reminiscent man with all the sentiments i fancy myself to value while i'm just barely through with puberty.

心很空天很大雲很重
我恨孤單卻趕不走 Give me something to believe in,

捧著她的名子 A breath from the breathing;
她的喜怒哀樂
往前走多久了?

I think about Man and how he came to be so selfish and cruel. I'm starting to doubt the existence of a strong moral compass within each man upon birth. ( I resent how fallacious beings butt in on nearly every moral point, often making a logical discussion difficult ) Are we shaped to be good? I'm not being hypocritical to my post on precise universal definition as i believe the need for good maybe unnatural in most of us. We seem to be programmed to be in conflict, in order to secure ourselves and our kin the right to inhabit this world, be it politically or religiously. Only sexually do we seldom find conflict in difference for fear of eradication. In both senses of the sentence. I remember watching a movie and feeling heartbroken when i saw a kid bully a smaller kid for no reason. I actually cried myself to sleep that night thinking about movies of injustice and bullying. ( I was really young ) But the point is that for the life of me i could not understand hurting someone for no reason at all? I understand thefts to a degree. Maybe they need to support their family and they're banking on the chance that the person who they stole from wasn't in dire need for that albeit hard-earned cash. But well, somewhere along the way, i lost that flame. I can't go backwards. But maybe i can reach a point where that ideal resurfaces in the modern life. Enlighten me.

一個人心中只有一個寶貝
So write it down, 久了之後她變成了眼淚
I don't think that i'll close my eyes 淚一滴在左手凝固成為寂寞
往回看有什麼?

My posts always seem to float from topic to topic. My mind is erratic and i just can't seem to fall asleep!! Do people think before they curse someone? When they say "Go to Hell", do they realize the implications? What happens if it really happens? People say it nowadays for the slightest reasons. But i guess i'm not totally free from this either. Aside from frequent 'Damn you's, i resent a single person enough to not feel an ounce of pity if i ever see her get rammed by a- Sigh. I'm a sinner. But that woman really is a heartless, self righteous, pompous, arrogant, bitchfaced hag. (Strikeout bitchfaced). I should resolve not to curse anymore.

那女孩對我說
說我保護她的夢
說這個世界
對她這樣的不多 Cause lately i'm not dreaming

她漸漸忘了我 So what's the point in sleeping?
但是她並不曉得
遍體鱗傷的我
一天也沒再愛過

I'm no liar,though. But there's nothing for me to say anymore right now. I should get some sleep. Just maybe it'll come more easily now. Sighs. I want them pills.

那女孩對我說

說我是一個小偷

偷走她的回憶

It's just that at night 塞進我的腦海中

I've got nowhere to hide 我不需要自由

只想背著她的夢

一步步向前走

她給的永遠不重

Jack's Mannequin- -黄义达

*Note: The English isn't a translation*

*******

Do you realize that when you're looking into the sky,

You're looking at the past, and everything

that's happening beneath that very sky in the present

As well as everything the future encompasses?

At every glance, we're taunted with the sight

Of thousands of stars and galaxies

Civilizations, relics, answers

All right there just beyond our grasp as the sky was to us

Just a century or two ago

If only our eyes could see far enough

So much more, endless possibilities

And trials and tribulations and quantum leaps

To be carried out beneath that very sky

While you lay there enjoying the breeze

And still one day, that sky will be gone

And you're looking at something miraculous

A part of the world that has been here since billions of years ago

But will inevitably disintegrate

We're looking at the past, present and future

We're looking at the end of the universe

We're a part of something so much larger

Lying on the grass,

Just enjoy the breeze.

-Waih 3:47a.m.

Back to regular programming next time. I think i'm a little drunken with night. It happens. I don't think straight and many things come out unfiltered. Or perhaps that's when i think clearly before we each put up silly facades and defences to face the dawning of the deceitful day.

'Just talk to me awhile, joke about the things we used to see.'

Two to One

2009-10-16T02:50:00.001+08:00

What can anyone say to sway the fists of those who thirst for vindication? What can anyone do to cease the tracks of tears that follow the aftermath of a strayed thought? All around, our dreams and hopes are crashing down and in their place we build a black faith, stronger and neater than any braided cordage, so intricately bound that it seems faultless. But if you'd only let go and allow the obstacles to meet in the middle, maybe you'd realise that it is but a faith that resolves all uncertainties whilst devoid of substance. Is that the resolution we all seek?

Two to one,

Static to the sound of you & i

Undone for the last time

There this was,

Hiding at the bottom of your swimming pool

Some september

Depth is relative, & i'd never claim such a quality. Why is it everyone's so eager to bestow it upon himself when it should be fairly obvious that the vanity in the proclamation itself is proof of the contrary? It is more than a few fancy words and a well-versed thought. Nor is it the rhyming of several stanzas of refined english. An actor could conjure as much without ever having made the connection between each individual thought. Depth is much more than that, it's an acceptance of life as it is without a cynic's view nor an optimist's naivety. Nor is depth related to wisdom. Of course, that is just my 2 sens. So said Socrates that: "I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance". Anyone care to redefine himself?

Don't you think i wish that i could stay?

Your lips give you away

Maybe we're all jumping the gun here. What do you know? What do you think i know? I'm not as smart as you give me credit for and i often have not the answer to my own thoughts, nor the means of deciphering them. But nonetheless, it is always selfish to string someone out on a line. But how was i to know if anyone awaited? When did it change that you could not bring yourself to wreak what was deserved? So that it only struck harder to know that the pinnacle may be more personal than i'd like.

I can hear it

A jet engine to the centre of the storm

& i'm thinking i'd prefer not to be rescued

But as the shells hit the floor, the echoes show me that i need no witness. I just need a little light, for the bridges on which we spat and sat miles apart, clinging onto the irony that inspired my jealousy. But it wasn't my intention, i had not wanted a separation. As the chrome sinks into my flesh i feel it displace the acidic heat, reminding me that i'm no saint. Definitely nowhere near as nice as some people seem to believe. Everybody hurts some time.

Two to none,

Roads that lead away from this

I'm following myself just this once

I got spun,

It appears you're spun as well

It happens when you pay attention

This could take all year

If i only take two steps back i find a more cheery picture. Or rather less dreary. What is everything we go through in comparison to the halls of time? Or even our life itself. We'll all leave the earth the same way we came in. Who knows what guidance we may have, or whether we even have a we to have? But what separates us, is how we go. But every moment, i change. Where at one point i was satisfied getting by in life, i've now succumbed to greed and the allure of money. It's only human, and i'd be crazy not to, some may say. But i say it's crazy that many of us are sucked into this mold, determined to produce line after line of gingerbread-men that can only look unique when individually packeted and scrutinized. Another slice of mainstream humans.

When it's quiet

Does she hear me

I'm jettisoned

To the centre of the storm

& i'm thinking i'd prefer not to be rescued

Pray, judge me not for what you read here though it can't be helped that most will jest and judge nonetheless. Maybe that's what makes blogging online so impersonal sometimes. It becomes difficult. Who do we blog for anyway? What do we blog for? Do our blogs reflect our thoughts or are they the facades we uphold to herd the school of thoughts in our ingeniously layered deceptions? Maybe, we're exactly what we want to be. & i wonder if my state of mind will die before i hit the commercialized wave of maturity upon gaining personal independence. Perhaps such a detached yet fully at-one view of life is most easily achieved without fear of getting by and even then it is difficult enough. What will become of each of us?

I can feel her

She's dying just to keep me cool

I'm finally numb so please don't get me rescued

How we love to muse the time away. How i see myself surrounded by whitewashed walls of music. But can i let myself be wrong? Will i fall asleep the same person? I refuse to concede, it's a fight each of us faces at some point in time. How can i allow myself to look back in satisfied regret?

& it's unclear

This may be my last song

I can tell she's raising hell to give to me

But she's got me warm

So please don't get me rescued

You don't have to believe me, and i won't say it. But when it comes to you, i don't remember lying as i always meant as much as i could understand. But as the sun set on us, i understood less and less. At the same time, i could not leave the wolves dancing around the coronal glaze, taunting them with whimsical ignorance. But i swear, i did the best i could. Neither am i trying to leave anything behind, but respecting wishes is the least i could do after all this. I hoped and i guess now the irony is only getting stronger, but it's the only thing i have left.

Say you'll miss me one last time

& i'll be strong

I need you, please don't get me rescued

Cause i'm feeling like i might need to be near you

& i feel alright so please don't get me Rescued

-Jack's Mannequin

To the bridges upon which my tears fester, note for note.

Champagne Supernova

2009-10-08T16:20:00.000+08:00

I'm plagiarising this pic from my other blog that plagiarised this pic from newscientist.com that plagiarised this from the Hubble Space Telescope.

Credits to kengyee for inspiring me to blog about this, though i'd add that the inspiration to my thoughts about this trace back to long ago.

*Scroll all the way down if you don't intend to read*

Dilemma : How does the environment a person is brought up in affect who they are?

There are many issues to be addressed here & no way to experiment. The basic moral argument is the individuality of each human and of course, all of us want to be special, but are we? Another question is in the definition of the latter part of the dilemma : What do you mean by who we are? How do you define who we are?

The question of who we are is not one we can answer easily. Are we our bodies, are we our minds? Are we both? Are we how we act? Are we our accomplishments? Are we who we pretend to be? Are we what we think we are? Are we what everyone else thinks we are?

The question of environment is also more complex than one might think. It's more than the country we are brought up in, much more than the way our parents treat us. Think along the lines of experience. The environment we grow up in directly influences the experiences we go through, so in order to conduct a reasonably accurate (though virtually impossible) experiment, we need two people to go through the exact same experience.

Do you think that these two people will come out different? The constant variable would be their experience, which means everything from winning a football match in little league to the face they see when they look into the mirror to the sound of their voice. Yes, i mean the the only way of forming an accurate experiment is to produce two people with identical strengths, weaknesses and looks, before they even take their first breaths. Why is this so important? Because every feature a person has will influence the reactions of the people around them and in turn, the way they think about themselves. Say one baby is relatively normal and another was born with a slightly larger nose, people may whisper about the latter's nose when he is young and that in turn will dramatically change the experience each one goes through, likely instilling insecurity in the latter.

We are all formed by our experiences. They mould us into the way we are now. You might say that No, two people react to the same thing differently, one is arrogant and stubborn, another is weak and submissive. But if they were raised in the same environment (like i explained above) i'd be willing to bet that their personalities will be the same and they will therefore react the same way.

I guess you could say that in my opinion, we are all the same and it's only the external factors that make each of us different. By external factors, i'm including the amount of testosterone in our body that may make us more aggressive, the memories we have, our natural capabilities and everything that does not come solely from the mind. And i'd like to add that by mind i do not mean brain. I'm talking about the essence of a person-his soul if you will.

Imagine taking the essence of any human being and putting them into the same body, and making each one of them go through the same experiences. But oh wait, you might say that you can't make them go through the same experiences as they will be different and will not choose the same options. I beg to differ.

Theory #1

The question of this is synonymous with the question whether the universe was always meant to be this way. The Big Bang. Two particles chanced to collide resulting in the expansion of matter and anti-matter that expands this very moment, resulting in the presence of larger atomic numbers the further away from the point of the Big Bang. So if the particles collided the exact same way again, would our universe be the same way it is now? My answer is yes.

Yes, because given the exact same angle and force of collision as well as the dimensions of the particles and the vector space within which they collide, the resolution of forces will result in the exact same expansion. Little then is by chance. I don't believe creation is an accident. The word implies that an intention was not carried out as planned. I believe that creation simply happened, and life forms and the formation of a life-sustaining planet is amazingly miraculous, but equally imminent. An oxymoron maybe, but everything simply went according to plan

Of Imminence : Creation, Life, Death, The Earth, The Sun etc, a condom breaking, a person having a bad day on the 12th of August (imminent since creation)or the way we move as we sleep that nonetheless significantly affect everything, the creation of this post.

Everything is interconnected and the butterfly effect certainly holds true. Everything influences another and in that sense, everything is mathematical, though not necessarily involving numbers but also human emotions. Everything is logic and according to plan, through the literally infinite factors that change our earth (let alone the entire universe) such as the beat of the wing of a butterfly in tokyo that can ultimately lead to a hurricane in the pacific, and the comet that grazed the atmosphere of our earth, slightly altering the atmospheric pressure for even a millisecond , to the moustache of hitler, to the lack of the full-stop in this sentence Everything influences everything, and everything is the way it was meant to be! Everything in the universe now has always been its destiny since even before those 2 particles began their journey, following the "random" but imminent trajectories that would lead us to this very moment, to you right there in your chair reading this. Don't you see?? =)

Oh i've strayed though my point here is relevant to the keypoint of my explaining that experiences form our personalities. Thus i would conclude that humans are not unique, save for such trivialities as physical and mental talents that sadly, make all the difference in the product of our life.

Note: My apologies for the unrefined crudeness of this post as it's very rough and not very well elaborated. However, i trust that most of my points will not be lost. Maybe i'll edit this to my satisfaction some other time.

*Stop Scrolling: Conclusion of Post*

My verdict: Our souls are not unique. The only things that are unique in humans are experiences and physical and mental factors. Given the same soul but same experiences and physical and mental factors, i believe that everyone would be the same.

For those of you who simply don't care, here's a nice song =)

How many special people change,

How many lives we lead astray

Where were you while we were getting high-

Saw you walking down the hall

Faster than a cannonball

Where were you while we were getting high?

Someday you will find me

Caught beneath the landslide

Of a champagne supernova in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why

The dreamer dreams, she never dies

Wipe that tear away now from your eye

Slowly walking down the hall

Faster than a cannonball

Where were you while we were getting high

Cause people believe

That their gonna make it through the summer

But you and i, we live and die

The world's still spinning 'round & you don't know why

-Oasis

7 x 7 will always be 49.

Random & meaningless to those who can't see it.

Life's a Circus

2009-10-02T22:17:00.000+08:00

& so we are small

Somehow, when you know that the products of your thoughts will be the 3-minute musing of well... anyone at all, your thoughts tend to get a sort of reflexive, neural stage fright.

When that happens, you relax with a song. & this is how i go. :)

Cause we're stuck here in the midriff of our lives, not so much in the middle but we're always in the midst. Except of course if you're unfortunate enough to go through an apathetic coma. And looking back at everything that ever meant something to you, do you ever feel that this might as well be the eve of your life? There's a sense of beauty in watching the leaves abandon that healthy green hue as they fade into a beautiful yellow, orange or red. Is there not something indescribably graceful and sad in the process of decay?

My favourite season is Fall.

How many of us have ever laid down on a patch of grass to look up at a branchy sky? Time seems to trickle by and our problems are ever-present. But they cease to matter. Because looking up, we see that we are a part of something much bigger. And i don't mean the government's new educational plan to create brighter and better students or such nonsense. It is the grand scheme of things wherein we're miniscule creatures that each play a pivotal role.

But i now lack the heart to elaborate on my thoughts after ensuing a discussion with hong, grace and kengyee about the relevance of intention in defining a person. Another topic i've mused about before but will again, elaborate at a future date =)

I could tell you of a man not so tall

Who said life's a circus and so we are small

Tell you of a girl that i saw

I froze in the moment and she changed it all

You keep the air in my lungs

Floating along as a melody comes

My heart beats like timpani drums

Keeping the time as a symphony strums

The Invasion

2009-09-23T23:37:00.000+08:00

M15x

Have fun :)

http://configure.us.dell.com/dellstore/config.aspx?c=us&cs=19&l=en&oc=DKCWFW1&s=dhs&~lt=alienware

The currents will drag us

2009-09-22T00:27:00.000+08:00

It's one of those days when you're at a crossroads in life. And you wonder what brought you here, and what significance this particular intersection holds for you. Because looking back, you're not where you want to be. Somewhere along the way, you got lost.

You gotta swim, swim for your life

Swim for the music that saves you

When you're not so sure you'll survive

You gotta swim, swim when it hurts

The whole world is watching

You haven't come this far to fall off the earth

It's when you start to think that you've wasted too much time walking, running in the wrong direction, like a mouse down the wrong path in a lab maze. When you realise that you've grown tired and you want to lay down to appreciate whatever roses haven't deserted you. But when you look up only to find the same blue sky that blessed your journey the day you began, you have to doubt. Did anything ever really come to pass?

The currents will pull you away from your love

Just keep your head above

So here i am now. The crossroads has vanished into a green and unforeseeable meadow unbounded by the degrees. & a part of my soul that reaped me serotonin in abundance has vanished for a moment, & i don't know if it'll ever return. So tell me now, where do i go from here?

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn

Memories like bullets they fired at me from a gun

I swim for brighter days despite an absence of sun

I'm not giving in

Swim

-Jack's Mannequin

Here's to looking back with a smile, whatever may happen.