Give me something to believe in

It's the middle of the night and i'm famished. It's the worst kind of hunger when you're torn between your bed and the kitchen. Fortunately for me, i'm not in bed and i've got Digestive biscuits in my room. I told myself i would sleep right at 1. Sleeping doesn't work so well for me. Warning: This is a pointless i just want to type post.

The Not-So-Subtle:

She's not the kind of girl you hear about

She'll never want another

She'll never be without

She'll give you all the signs

She'll tell you everything

Then turn around and walk away

Carry me to the shoreline

Bury me in the sand

Walk me across the water

& maybe you'll understand

Once the stone you're crawling under

Is lifted off your shoulders

Once the cloud that's raining

Over your head disappears

The noise that you hear

Is the crashing down of Hollow Years

I wonder how people put those videos.

I would've posted Hammers & Strings and Swim, too, but it looks pathetic as a little link.

For Swim, you can just head over to ky's blog.

That is why Grace & i want to catch them live. I say this without the slightest bit of dramatizing:

My life isn't complete till i've watched Jack's Mannequin perform live

Then again,it'll never be complete cause i won't be able to see them play Konstantine live either.

Yeah, i know these phrases (this song) have come up in the last posts. But i guess that just reflects were i'm at right now. Alternatively for those macho boys who are too insecure to allow themselves to relate to anything other than metal, read the last sentence as Bite Me (you know who you are).

The Rhythm of Vascular Beats:

She says, Andy i know we don't talk as much

But i still hear your ghost in these old punk rock clubs

Come on write me a song

Give me something to trust

Just promise you won't let it be just the keys that you touched

And my friend calls me up with a heart heavy still

She said, Andy the doctors prescribed me a pill

But i know i'm not crazy

I just lost my will

So why am i, why am i

Taking them still?

I need something to believe in

So write it down i don't think that i'll close my eyes

Cause lately i'm not dreaming

So what's the point in sleeping

It's just that at night i've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless this is my reply

I will write you a lullaby

'I'm just waiting for the juice to kick in'

I always catch the clock it's...

You still don't want to talk

Regarding the last post: Someone told me to chill, & i realize i've probably been horribly misunderstood. The part where i go on about the old hag i wanna see get hit by a truck is only a whimsical ( though i really probably wouldn't mind [ I take that back { Not out of want, though. I'm trying to change. }] ) manifestation of my bittterness at the hag for getting me suspended some time ago. Hope that clears things up a little.

Staring into the intersection she thinks that she can fly

& she might

My internet hasn't been working very well. I think it's because my 2 sisters have got laptops now and are enjoying wi-fi. My ping of 16-20 has jumped up to 60-1999. Averaging around 350. I have to constantly 'repair' my connection just to go to the next page. My download speeds dropped from 150kb/s to my internet spontaneously dying when i click 'Download'. What else can i do to reduce this? My theory is that since we're basically running off the same connection, they're leeching off it like that fat paleo-leech in Land of the Lost. Result is i don't know how many times i'll have to click publish post for this to come out. Damn those wireless-es.

The moon is shining now & shadows are what's left

Of all the noise;

Simple silhouettes and cut-outs

As if we had the choice

I'm feeling bored with life. Apathy, oh apathy go piss off. Speaking of being careful of implications you can look up fmylife.com and read about this dude who told his brother to piss off. And the brother pissed onto his lap. Haha, yeah, i'm a sado who reads fmylife.com cause i'm THAT lifeless. FML.

But seriously, sometimes you don't know what you want anymore. Maybe the fun in life is desire. So it's not always happy fun. Kind of like a marathon. Not so much fun as you're running it but when you're done you're a smiling git. Either that or a wheezing/unconscious git. But really, what does one do when he wants top internet speeds while sharing with 2 sisters? I can't even go out except for school and i haven't gone out in like a month. And i probably won't be going out for another 46 days. I wonder if this is how it feels like to be a kengyee :/ No offence.

What does it take to be superhero?

In my world, make no mistake

These villains always get the girl

& we'd escape then we'd skate away

From all of this

But no one ever does

-Something Corporate

I shall click 'Publish Post' now simply cause it's 11:11. But by the time i succeed who knows what time it'll be. Fingers crossed.

EDIT: Something's horribly wrong with my time thingy. Successfully posted at around 11:21. Given, i gave up refreshing for a while halfway through.

那女孩對我說

What is it about the sky?

I like thinking about the past and how things used to be so simple. Because really, nothing much has changed except for our states of mind. Arguably, we cannot go revert to a previous state of mind except maybe with amnesia or Alzheimer's. Other than that, our minds are akin to the taut laws of time. Self-aware and memory-bound, our minds expand linearly and dualistically disintegrate at the end of our lives. (Don't bring theistic arguments here please, to Hell with Pascal's wager. It's not the safest bet and is actually significantly flawed.) How do i strike that out? Oh well. Sometimes i think that i resemble an aged reminiscent man with all the sentiments i fancy myself to value while i'm just barely through with puberty.

心很空天很大雲很重
我恨孤單 卻趕不走 Give me something to believe in,

捧著她的名子 A breath from the breathing;
她的喜怒哀樂
往前走 多久了?

I think about Man and how he came to be so selfish and cruel. I'm starting to doubt the existence of a strong moral compass within each man upon birth. ( I resent how fallacious beings butt in on nearly every moral point, often making a logical discussion difficult ) Are we shaped to be good? I'm not being hypocritical to my post on precise universal definition as i believe the need for good maybe unnatural in most of us. We seem to be programmed to be in conflict, in order to secure ourselves and our kin the right to inhabit this world, be it politically or religiously. Only sexually do we seldom find conflict in difference for fear of eradication. In both senses of the sentence. I remember watching a movie and feeling heartbroken when i saw a kid bully a smaller kid for no reason. I actually cried myself to sleep that night thinking about movies of injustice and bullying. ( I was really young ) But the point is that for the life of me i could not understand hurting someone for no reason at all? I understand thefts to a degree. Maybe they need to support their family and they're banking on the chance that the person who they stole from wasn't in dire need for that albeit hard-earned cash. But well, somewhere along the way, i lost that flame. I can't go backwards. But maybe i can reach a point where that ideal resurfaces in the modern life. Enlighten me.

一個人心中只有一個寶貝
So write it down, 久了之後 她變成了眼淚
I don't think that i'll close my eyes 淚一滴在左手 凝固成為寂寞
往回看 有什麼?

My posts always seem to float from topic to topic. My mind is erratic and i just can't seem to fall asleep!! Do people think before they curse someone? When they say "Go to Hell", do they realize the implications? What happens if it really happens? People say it nowadays for the slightest reasons. But i guess i'm not totally free from this either. Aside from frequent 'Damn you's, i resent a single person enough to not feel an ounce of pity if i ever see her get rammed by a- Sigh. I'm a sinner. But that woman really is a heartless, self righteous, pompous, arrogant, bitchfaced hag. (Strikeout bitchfaced). I should resolve not to curse anymore.

那女孩對我說
說我保護她的夢
說這個世界
對她這樣的不多 Cause lately i'm not dreaming

她漸漸忘了我 So what's the point in sleeping?
但是她並不曉得
遍體鱗傷的我
一天也沒再愛過

I'm no liar,though. But there's nothing for me to say anymore right now. I should get some sleep. Just maybe it'll come more easily now. Sighs. I want them pills.

那女孩對我說

說我是一個小偷

偷走她的回憶

It's just that at night 塞進我的腦海中

I've got nowhere to hide 我不需要自由

只想背著她的夢

一步步向前走

她給的永遠 不重

Jack's Mannequin- -黄义达

*Note: The English isn't a translation*

*******

Do you realize that when you're looking into the sky,

You're looking at the past, and everything

that's happening beneath that very sky in the present

As well as everything the future encompasses?

At every glance, we're taunted with the sight

Of thousands of stars and galaxies

Civilizations, relics, answers

All right there just beyond our grasp as the sky was to us

Just a century or two ago

If only our eyes could see far enough

So much more, endless possibilities

And trials and tribulations and quantum leaps

To be carried out beneath that very sky

While you lay there enjoying the breeze

And still one day, that sky will be gone

And you're looking at something miraculous

A part of the world that has been here since billions of years ago

But will inevitably disintegrate

We're looking at the past, present and future

We're looking at the end of the universe

We're a part of something so much larger

Lying on the grass,

Just enjoy the breeze.

-Waih 3:47a.m.

Back to regular programming next time. I think i'm a little drunken with night. It happens. I don't think straight and many things come out unfiltered. Or perhaps that's when i think clearly before we each put up silly facades and defences to face the dawning of the deceitful day.

'Just talk to me awhile, joke about the things we used to see.'

Two to One

What can anyone say to sway the fists of those who thirst for vindication? What can anyone do to cease the tracks of tears that follow the aftermath of a strayed thought? All around, our dreams and hopes are crashing down and in their place we build a black faith, stronger and neater than any braided cordage, so intricately bound that it seems faultless. But if you'd only let go and allow the obstacles to meet in the middle, maybe you'd realise that it is but a faith that resolves all uncertainties whilst devoid of substance. Is that the resolution we all seek?

Two to one,

Static to the sound of you & i

Undone for the last time

There this was,

Hiding at the bottom of your swimming pool

Some september

Depth is relative, & i'd never claim such a quality. Why is it everyone's so eager to bestow it upon himself when it should be fairly obvious that the vanity in the proclamation itself is proof of the contrary? It is more than a few fancy words and a well-versed thought. Nor is it the rhyming of several stanzas of refined english. An actor could conjure as much without ever having made the connection between each individual thought. Depth is much more than that, it's an acceptance of life as it is without a cynic's view nor an optimist's naivety. Nor is depth related to wisdom. Of course, that is just my 2 sens. So said Socrates that: "I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance". Anyone care to redefine himself?

Don't you think i wish that i could stay?

Your lips give you away

Maybe we're all jumping the gun here. What do you know? What do you think i know? I'm not as smart as you give me credit for and i often have not the answer to my own thoughts, nor the means of deciphering them. But nonetheless, it is always selfish to string someone out on a line. But how was i to know if anyone awaited? When did it change that you could not bring yourself to wreak what was deserved? So that it only struck harder to know that the pinnacle may be more personal than i'd like.

I can hear it

A jet engine to the centre of the storm

& i'm thinking i'd prefer not to be rescued

But as the shells hit the floor, the echoes show me that i need no witness. I just need a little light, for the bridges on which we spat and sat miles apart, clinging onto the irony that inspired my jealousy. But it wasn't my intention, i had not wanted a separation. As the chrome sinks into my flesh i feel it displace the acidic heat, reminding me that i'm no saint. Definitely nowhere near as nice as some people seem to believe. Everybody hurts some time.

Two to none,

Roads that lead away from this

I'm following myself just this once

I got spun,

It appears you're spun as well

It happens when you pay attention

This could take all year

If i only take two steps back i find a more cheery picture. Or rather less dreary. What is everything we go through in comparison to the halls of time? Or even our life itself. We'll all leave the earth the same way we came in. Who knows what guidance we may have, or whether we even have a we to have? But what separates us, is how we go. But every moment, i change. Where at one point i was satisfied getting by in life, i've now succumbed to greed and the allure of money. It's only human, and i'd be crazy not to, some may say. But i say it's crazy that many of us are sucked into this mold, determined to produce line after line of gingerbread-men that can only look unique when individually packeted and scrutinized. Another slice of mainstream humans.

When it's quiet

Does she hear me

I'm jettisoned

To the centre of the storm

& i'm thinking i'd prefer not to be rescued

Pray, judge me not for what you read here though it can't be helped that most will jest and judge nonetheless. Maybe that's what makes blogging online so impersonal sometimes. It becomes difficult. Who do we blog for anyway? What do we blog for? Do our blogs reflect our thoughts or are they the facades we uphold to herd the school of thoughts in our ingeniously layered deceptions? Maybe, we're exactly what we want to be. & i wonder if my state of mind will die before i hit the commercialized wave of maturity upon gaining personal independence. Perhaps such a detached yet fully at-one view of life is most easily achieved without fear of getting by and even then it is difficult enough. What will become of each of us?

I can feel her

She's dying just to keep me cool

I'm finally numb so please don't get me rescued

How we love to muse the time away. How i see myself surrounded by whitewashed walls of music. But can i let myself be wrong? Will i fall asleep the same person? I refuse to concede, it's a fight each of us faces at some point in time. How can i allow myself to look back in satisfied regret?

& it's unclear

This may be my last song

I can tell she's raising hell to give to me

But she's got me warm

So please don't get me rescued

You don't have to believe me, and i won't say it. But when it comes to you, i don't remember lying as i always meant as much as i could understand. But as the sun set on us, i understood less and less. At the same time, i could not leave the wolves dancing around the coronal glaze, taunting them with whimsical ignorance. But i swear, i did the best i could. Neither am i trying to leave anything behind, but respecting wishes is the least i could do after all this. I hoped and i guess now the irony is only getting stronger, but it's the only thing i have left.

Say you'll miss me one last time

& i'll be strong

I need you, please don't get me rescued

Cause i'm feeling like i might need to be near you

& i feel alright so please don't get me Rescued

-Jack's Mannequin

To the bridges upon which my tears fester, note for note.

Champagne Supernova

I'm plagiarising this pic from my other blog that plagiarised this pic from newscientist.com that plagiarised this from the Hubble Space Telescope.

Credits to kengyee for inspiring me to blog about this, though i'd add that the inspiration to my thoughts about this trace back to long ago.

*Scroll all the way down if you don't intend to read*

Dilemma : How does the environment a person is brought up in affect who they are?

There are many issues to be addressed here & no way to experiment. The basic moral argument is the individuality of each human and of course, all of us want to be special, but are we? Another question is in the definition of the latter part of the dilemma : What do you mean by who we are? How do you define who we are?

The question of who we are is not one we can answer easily. Are we our bodies, are we our minds? Are we both? Are we how we act? Are we our accomplishments? Are we who we pretend to be? Are we what we think we are? Are we what everyone else thinks we are?

The question of environment is also more complex than one might think. It's more than the country we are brought up in, much more than the way our parents treat us. Think along the lines of experience. The environment we grow up in directly influences the experiences we go through, so in order to conduct a reasonably accurate (though virtually impossible) experiment, we need two people to go through the exact same experience.

Do you think that these two people will come out different? The constant variable would be their experience, which means everything from winning a football match in little league to the face they see when they look into the mirror to the sound of their voice. Yes, i mean the the only way of forming an accurate experiment is to produce two people with identical strengths, weaknesses and looks, before they even take their first breaths. Why is this so important? Because every feature a person has will influence the reactions of the people around them and in turn, the way they think about themselves. Say one baby is relatively normal and another was born with a slightly larger nose, people may whisper about the latter's nose when he is young and that in turn will dramatically change the experience each one goes through, likely instilling insecurity in the latter.

We are all formed by our experiences. They mould us into the way we are now. You might say that No, two people react to the same thing differently, one is arrogant and stubborn, another is weak and submissive. But if they were raised in the same environment (like i explained above) i'd be willing to bet that their personalities will be the same and they will therefore react the same way.

I guess you could say that in my opinion, we are all the same and it's only the external factors that make each of us different. By external factors, i'm including the amount of testosterone in our body that may make us more aggressive, the memories we have, our natural capabilities and everything that does not come solely from the mind. And i'd like to add that by mind i do not mean brain. I'm talking about the essence of a person-his soul if you will.

Imagine taking the essence of any human being and putting them into the same body, and making each one of them go through the same experiences. But oh wait, you might say that you can't make them go through the same experiences as they will be different and will not choose the same options. I beg to differ.

Theory #1

The question of this is synonymous with the question whether the universe was always meant to be this way. The Big Bang. Two particles chanced to collide resulting in the expansion of matter and anti-matter that expands this very moment, resulting in the presence of larger atomic numbers the further away from the point of the Big Bang. So if the particles collided the exact same way again, would our universe be the same way it is now? My answer is yes.

Yes, because given the exact same angle and force of collision as well as the dimensions of the particles and the vector space within which they collide, the resolution of forces will result in the exact same expansion. Little then is by chance. I don't believe creation is an accident. The word implies that an intention was not carried out as planned. I believe that creation simply happened, and life forms and the formation of a life-sustaining planet is amazingly miraculous, but equally imminent. An oxymoron maybe, but everything simply went according to plan

Of Imminence : Creation, Life, Death, The Earth, The Sun etc, a condom breaking, a person having a bad day on the 12th of August (imminent since creation)or the way we move as we sleep that nonetheless significantly affect everything, the creation of this post.

Everything is interconnected and the butterfly effect certainly holds true. Everything influences another and in that sense, everything is mathematical, though not necessarily involving numbers but also human emotions. Everything is logic and according to plan, through the literally infinite factors that change our earth (let alone the entire universe) such as the beat of the wing of a butterfly in tokyo that can ultimately lead to a hurricane in the pacific, and the comet that grazed the atmosphere of our earth, slightly altering the atmospheric pressure for even a millisecond , to the moustache of hitler, to the lack of the full-stop in this sentence Everything influences everything, and everything is the way it was meant to be! Everything in the universe now has always been its destiny since even before those 2 particles began their journey, following the "random" but imminent trajectories that would lead us to this very moment, to you right there in your chair reading this. Don't you see?? =)

Oh i've strayed though my point here is relevant to the keypoint of my explaining that experiences form our personalities. Thus i would conclude that humans are not unique, save for such trivialities as physical and mental talents that sadly, make all the difference in the product of our life.

Note: My apologies for the unrefined crudeness of this post as it's very rough and not very well elaborated. However, i trust that most of my points will not be lost. Maybe i'll edit this to my satisfaction some other time.

*Stop Scrolling: Conclusion of Post*

My verdict: Our souls are not unique. The only things that are unique in humans are experiences and physical and mental factors. Given the same soul but same experiences and physical and mental factors, i believe that everyone would be the same.

For those of you who simply don't care, here's a nice song =)

How many special people change,

How many lives we lead astray

Where were you while we were getting high-

Saw you walking down the hall

Faster than a cannonball

Where were you while we were getting high?

Someday you will find me

Caught beneath the landslide

Of a champagne supernova in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why

The dreamer dreams, she never dies

Wipe that tear away now from your eye

Slowly walking down the hall

Faster than a cannonball

Where were you while we were getting high

Cause people believe

That their gonna make it through the summer

But you and i, we live and die

The world's still spinning 'round & you don't know why

-Oasis

7 x 7 will always be 49.

Random & meaningless to those who can't see it.

Life's a Circus

& so we are small

Somehow, when you know that the products of your thoughts will be the 3-minute musing of well... anyone at all, your thoughts tend to get a sort of reflexive, neural stage fright.

When that happens, you relax with a song. & this is how i go. :)

Cause we're stuck here in the midriff of our lives, not so much in the middle but we're always in the midst. Except of course if you're unfortunate enough to go through an apathetic coma. And looking back at everything that ever meant something to you, do you ever feel that this might as well be the eve of your life? There's a sense of beauty in watching the leaves abandon that healthy green hue as they fade into a beautiful yellow, orange or red. Is there not something indescribably graceful and sad in the process of decay?

My favourite season is Fall.

How many of us have ever laid down on a patch of grass to look up at a branchy sky? Time seems to trickle by and our problems are ever-present. But they cease to matter. Because looking up, we see that we are a part of something much bigger. And i don't mean the government's new educational plan to create brighter and better students or such nonsense. It is the grand scheme of things wherein we're miniscule creatures that each play a pivotal role.

But i now lack the heart to elaborate on my thoughts after ensuing a discussion with hong, grace and kengyee about the relevance of intention in defining a person. Another topic i've mused about before but will again, elaborate at a future date =)

I could tell you of a man not so tall

Who said life's a circus and so we are small

Tell you of a girl that i saw

I froze in the moment and she changed it all

You keep the air in my lungs

Floating along as a melody comes

My heart beats like timpani drums

Keeping the time as a symphony strums